Puckey says...

Said at lunch after church a few weeks ago:
"Papa, I have a secret to tell you.  Why don't you marry Grammy so we can get some babies?"

Said yesterday at the start of a game of Candyland:
"The one who gets to the end first is ME."

Animal Cruelty

I just really think some people are just cruel to their pets.  Take, for example, this poor soul.  Honestly, what self-respecting dog would allow his people to put this on him?  He looks totally depressed.

Yes, I know animal abuse is actually a serious thing, and I really do feel that being cruel to animals is wrong.  I just thought this hat was flippin' hilarious and had to share it with my readers. 

What happens when you search for Chuck Norris?

Click the link below, if you dare...

Chuck Norris - Google Search

My little artist

This is a picture Puckey drew of Jib crying after Jib broke her new sunglasses. It was so funny I had to share. You'll notice the sunglasses at the center of the picture, right below the belly button. HA!

Heard at my house the other day...

Ande: I heard a song today that reminded me of you.

Me: It wasn't by Sir Mix-A-Lot was it?

Taking the long way...

This morning in the car on the way to school, I asked Bubber what his schedule was for summer baseball practices. This is how the conversation went:

Me: "So, what is your schedule for baseball practice now?"

Bubber: "Mondays and Wednesdays."

Me: "But you don't have practice next Monday because you have a game."

Bubber: "No. We won't have any practices after the first game."

Me: "What time is your practice tomorrow then?"

Bubber: "Practice is cancelled, I told you that yesterday. (Note to self, try not to zone out when Bubber is talking baseball, no matter HOW much you aren't interested in the topic) There aren't enough players."

Me: "So you don't have any more practices?"

Bubber: "We have practice on Saturday."

Me: "What you're saying is that you ONLY have a practice this Saturday and that's it?"

Bubber: "Yeah."

Me: "So why didn't you just say that?"

Bubber: "You asked what the schedule was. Saturday's practice isn't on the schedule."

Um. Okay.

Seriously? All of that was needed for what should have been a one question/one answer conversation?

Please tell me I'm not the only one who sees that this conversation was kinda like when you were a kid and your dad (or mom, depending on who usually drove) used to take the "back roads" to avoid traffic on the highway, only to make the trip last twice as long to get to the same destination because of all of the twists and turns he had to take to get there.

My kids never cease to crack me up

Okay, a little background - our 2 year old "Jib" is also called "Budgie" (among many, MANY other nicknames). I don't know where the name Budgie came from, but that's beside the point...

Now, I'm sure I'm not the only mom who's kids do it - all the grunting and straining and then subsequent STINKING...only to go to change the diaper and find just a little "smudge" in there. Our sweet little Jib (or Budgie) has been doing that a LOT lately. So yesterday Ande started calling her "Smudgie". (Classy, NO?)

During dinner I was talking to Jib, and I asked her if her name was "Smudgie", and she said, very proudly and with a HUGE grin on her face, "No, I FUDGIE!"

Let's just say it took SEVERAL minutes for us to stop laughing about that. Oh, the joys of dinner conversation at the Kirby home. HA!

Puckey says:

Puckey: "Mommy, I need to take a bath."

Mommy: "Why?"

Puckey: "Because my nose hurts."

Ummmm....OKAY?

Gift of the Manguys

I found this earlier today and laughed my head off (well, practically - if I was really missing my head, would I be typing this right now? I don't think so.) It's by Peter McKay, who cracks me up with pretty much every column he writes.

Creators Syndicate – We are now in the middle of the most stressful period of the year for your average American husband. It's the month when men are forced to wander the malls aimlessly, looking for something, anything, they can put under the tree on Christmas morning that will meet their spouse's expectations.

You see them clumping around, eyes glazed, like zombies with credit cards. In their daily lives, they might be engineers, lawyers, police officers, firefighters or even brain surgeons, but when it comes to Christmas shopping for wives, they're like deer facing an oncoming Mack truck. It would be as if you approached a normal everyday person and told them they had to compose a symphony or translate a passage of ancient hieroglyphics: The whole operation is too complicated to even begin thinking about.

Young guys can get away with gifts that show sincere thought and dedication but cost nothing. Years ago, when we were moving, we'd put all of our available cash down on our house right before the holidays. That year, I gave my wife a meticulously constructed little model I'd made of our new home. (I got her a house for Christmas, get it? Get it?) She loved it, and understood that we had no money for anything else that year, but we both understood it was a one-shot deal. Had I come to the tree the next year with another cardboard model of a house, she would have crushed it with one foot, like Godzilla going after a Japanese apartment complex.

Sure, there are some men out there, really rich older guys, who can be incredibly extravagant at Christmas. They're the ones they aim those luxury car ads at, the ads where the wife wakes up Christmas morning, pulls back the drapes and finds her husband has parked a brand-new silvery sedan, complete with a huge red bow, in the driveway. For 98 percent of American families, the kind who cringe when they open the bills, the joy would last for about 9.5 seconds, until the wife noticed the payment book under the tree and realized the kids weren't getting braces anytime soon and they'd both have to bag lunch at work for the next 48-54 months.

For those of us husbands who do our Christmas shopping at the mall instead of the car dealership, life is more mind-numbingly difficult. For husbands, getting a Christmas present says: "Hey, buddy, here's something free!" For wives, a Christmas present says: "This item symbolizes what I think of you!"

With pressure like that, nothing seems right. Clothes are a nice idea, but no husband in his right mind will actually pick out clothes for his wife. Select something far too small, and you've gotten a gift she can't wear. A size too big, and you'll get that evil stare that means "and just how &*(%)$ big do you think I am, mister?" Pick the exact right size, and you're in just as much trouble, as no woman on earth wants you to know her right size. The only way to win would be picking exactly one size (no more) too small. It's like trying to knock over a stuffed clown on the midway. You can't win, so don't try.

Handbags might seem like a good idea, until you go into the handbag department and find out there are hundreds of choices, each in a different size, style and label. With handbags, however, each designer means something, too. The bag has to look expensive, more expensive than you'd normally think a woman could afford, but not so expensive friends would assume it was a fake. Just trying to figure it out makes me feel dizzy.

Most years, I end up folding under the pressure and going to my old standbys: Bubble bath, slippers and bathrobes. My wife now has enough of these items that she wouldn't run out unless she decided to run a day spa out of our home.

So I'll be out there, with all the other guys with just enough money so they can't get away with thoughtful free gifts, but not enough available cash to park a luxury sedan in the driveway. You can find us all standing in line at the bed and bath store, arms filled with slippers, bathrobes and, of course, bubble bath, confused and frightened looks on our zombie-like faces.

To find out more about Peter McKay, please visit www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

I find this especially amusing, because a couple of years ago, Ande's mom asked him what he thought she could get me for Christmas. His idea? Towels. Lots and lots of towels. My guess is that he wanted us to get some new towels, but didn't want to waste HIS gift on household items. The next year, when Ande's mom asked what she should get HIM, I said, "Towels". I love that my mother in law has a good sense of humor!

Something that would have been good to know 5 minutes ago:

You know, sometimes I wish there was a future me who would send the present time me messages so as to avoid some of the mistakes I make.

Case in point:

It would have been really great to have recently received a message stating this:

If you ever find a pair of Puckey's panties on the floor, do not, I repeat do NOT pick them up and give them the "sniff test" to see if they are clean. Just put them in the washer. Trust me, it is in your best interest.

Off I go now to develop a time machine or something...

I'm just sayin'.

Betcha thought I forgot, didn't cha?

(That title sounds best when done with your best "Fargo, ND" accent)

It's that time again, for the Tuesday Tip O' the Day!

"De-salt that oversalted soup by merely slicing a raw potato into it and boiling for a short time. Then remove potato, which will have absorbed most of the salt."

Yes, I decided to give you a tip that was actually practical and not terribly funny...

For the funny part, I decided to do a short "not me" post (if any of you read McMama's blog, you'll know what that is...)

I did NOT let Puckey and the Jib eat chocolate cake for breakfast this morning. This is NOT a picture of Jib after she DIDN'T eat said chocolate cake.

And while I was NOT serving up the cake, I was NOT singing, "Mom is GREAT! She gives us chocolate cake!" because I surely DON'T think that Bill Cosby "Himself" is one of the funniest comedy routines of all time.

via videosift.com

Do I LOOK like I'm joking to you?

Yes, the question most parents have asked at least one of their children at one point or another in their lives.

Ande asked this same question to Puckey the other night. I can't even remember what she was doing, but Ande was trying to get her to stop. So he said, very seriously, "Do I LOOK like I'm joking to you?" Puckey looked at him and solemnly shook her head "yes". I have to commend Ande on his strength - he didn't even crack a smile. I, on the other hand, had to turn away so she wouldn't see me smiling...

Something funny I heard on the radio this morning on Focus on the Family - an interview with Art Linkletter (sp?). Anyway, during the interview, he said lots of funny things, but I think one of my favorites was towards the end - he said he was out with his girlfriend (who became his wife) and said, "Let's get married or something." Her response? "Let's get married or NOTHING."

Too bad more women aren't of the same opinion these days.

Do you have a holder?

Well, I was on Devin's blog this morning, and she has a cute post about funny stuff her boys say. It got me thinking about when Bubber was little. He used to say some really interesting things. When Bubber was about a year old, my ex and I bought a Rottweiler. She was a good dog, and Bubber LOVED her. When he got a little bit bigger, Bubber used to tell people about his dog, and how she was "black and nohogany" (her coloring was black and mahogany). After Bug was born, if I needed to let the dog out, Bubber would "pay attention on" Bug. One of Bubber's favorite phrases when he was 2 was "well, actually..." He used that a lot when telling stories. And he told a LOT of stories. Come to think of it, he still does...LOL

One of my favorite things, though, was once when I was taking a shower. Up until he was 2, I would let Bubber take showers with me sometimes. So we were in the shower, and he's jabbering away. Pretty soon, he looked up at me and asked, "Mama, do you have a holder?" I said, "I don't know, do YOU have a holder?" He said, "Yes." So I asked him what it was. He reached down and touched his penis. "Um, NOOOO, Mommy doesn't have a holder. Only boys have holders, honey." Needless to say, Bubber didn't shower with Mama any more after that!!

Of course, now that I'm thinking about funny stuff Bubber used to say, I've got all kinds of funny stuff going through my brain - like the time Puckey pulled my coat open in the grocery story and said, "Nipples Mama!" Not once, not twice, but three times! Good thing there weren't tons of people in the store at the time. LOL Or the time Bubber was next to me at the cash register and he felt the compulsion to inform me that the cashier had a "HUGE NOSE, MAMA!" (Yes, after that we had a little talk about how saying things like that can hurt someone's feelings) When I was (over)due with Puckey, my then three year old nephew told me I "just need to push that baby right out!" Yeah, kids are hilarious, aren't they?

OH. MY. WORD.

Are we in for it.

Yesterday, I took the kids to our local Hallmark store, because Bug and Nans had some Christmas/birthday money burning holes in their pockets. Both of them LOVE Webkinz, and the store near our house usually has a pretty good selection of them.

So, we go into the store, and the girls gravitate over to the Webkinz display. Puckey, of course, follows her sisters and starts picking up the assorted Webkinz and showing them to me. "Look, Mama, a hippo! Hi hippo!" "Look, Mama, a HORSE! Hi horsey!" "Look, Mama, a kitty! Kitty says, 'MEOW!'" With each one, Puckey would pick it up, hug it, tell me what it was (and sometimes what it says), and when I would tell her to put it down, she would. No biggie, right?

WRONG.

By this point, the older girls have their new pets in hand, and are headed towards the register. Puckey is holding a black lab Webkinz (you can see what it looks like by clicking here). I tell her that she needs to put the puppy down, because we have to go. Puckey looks at me, lip almost trembling, and says in a quiet voice, "I can't." I ask her again to put the puppy down, and again she almost whispers, "I can't" I ask her why. And she looks at me, cradling this little puppy, her dark chocolate eyes starting to get a little moist....
"I can't, I LOVE him."

OH. MY. WORD.

The women working in the store just about died. It's a good thing we weren't at Starbucks, where Puckey once scored a free Walrus just because she was so cute holding it. What a spoiled girl! So Puckey continues to cradle the puppy, petting him and rubbing her little cheeks on his....I swear, I nearly CRIED because she was SO STINKIN' CUTE! We finally got her to put the puppy back, and left the store without so much as one tear on her precious little cheek.

Yes, that's right, I was able to resist the power of the Puckey. Ande was pretty impressed, since he pretty much folds like a cheap lawn chair when Puckey says she wants something. At one point last summer, she almost had him talked into a REAL puppy, because she got so excited over our neighbor's dog. For those of you who don't know Ande - that's HUGE, because Ande doesn't really like animals all that much. I put the kibosh on that one, though, because I knew who would end up cleaning up after the puppy. I have enough people to clean up after, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Okay, in all honesty, I didn't QUITE resist the power of the Puckey. I just ordered the black lab Webkinz online. I DID get it for 1/2 of the cost they charge at the Hallmark Store, though. I thought it would be cute for Puckey's Easter basket. I love to buy the kids stuff, but I like to make it for an "occasion", not just because they want it.